I know I’ll post other stinkers down the line, but for now, my least favorite post I’ve ever written is last week’s post “Business Transitions”. I’m not even going to link to it, I dislike it so much.
When I wrote it, I was deep in panic mode – trying to convince myself I knew what I was doing. Everything I wrote in it is true, but it’s also completely false in some ineffable way. Maybe I dislike it because it reeks of the coaching language that I am so allergic to. Maybe I dislike it because it seems inspiring (or something), determined, full of know-how but what it’s really doing is trying to mask the fact that I am scared and tired and simply trying to convince myself I’m up to the wicked task of starting a new business.
The post was full of words of explanation about “what I know”, which are so meaningless to me. I hope you didn’t believe too much of what I wrote. I know I did’t.
What I really want to have said is:
Wow, life is so crazy and unpredictable, right? Change is so overwhelming, no matter what the dose. I’m so, so glad I have a meditation and asana and exercise practice. I’m so glad I have spent years of hard work getting to know myself. Now I get to start over again in the endless and beautiful and exhausting and joyful cycle of self-knowing.
Yes, I feel threatened by all of the unknowns ahead of me. Yes, I’m already tired and I’m just beginning (again). Yes, I feel so deeply the love of teachers and friends and family and perfect strangers who will bolster me up when I am at my wiltyest.
I know that no matter what business plan I throw at this, no matter what contacts I work, no matter what sources of income I bolster or develop, NONE of it will matter as much to me as what I will learn about myself in the process.
And, it’s all completely unpredictable. In my experience, the best-laid plans mean very little in starting a business. I’m sure I can’t even begin to imagine everything I will learn from this – about myself, about my business, and about “the world”. I’m pretty sure it’s gonna be great.
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